Polarise, don’t compromise

To listen without judging whether a that another person says is right or wrong, good or bad, better or worse does not come naturally to most of us. It requires awareness – primarily of your own inner responses.

It is important to note at the outset that listening without judgement does not preclude you from saying what you need to say if you are participating in a conversation. You can – and ought to be – clear about where you stand. This obviously involves taking a particular perspective (your own).

Why is it important to listen with a non-judgemental attitude?

If we, while listening, immediately begin to respond (internally) from our own perspective, we risk not hearing what the other is saying. This is very common in stressful conversations. The response takes up our attention and we miss the actual words being spoken and probably the underlying intention of the other person.

Which brings us to the second reason why it is important to practice non-judgement while listening. Our inner attitude acts as a filter. For example, if we are triggered by a statement which we interpret (or judge) as racist, we are likely to hear much of what follows through that filter. Similarly, if we pre-judge a person as racist, we are likely to filter what we hear as racist and begin to formulate our own response.

If we stop listening because of our own response or because of our filters, we run the risk of becoming stuck in our own perspective. A dialogue then degenerates into a discussion or debate where the aim is to prove that one has a better argument than the other – a war of words if you want.

Does this mean that I can’t express my opinion and need to accept what I don’t believe?

Certainly not. Not judging is not the same as agreeing or accepting. And, as we mentioned above, you need to be very clear about your own opinion and, if you feel that you need to say something, you need to say it. But, preferably only when you have fully understood what the other person is saying.

How does this work in practice?

Nice theory, you may say. But in real life, how would you do it? Think of it as a shift between two different zones: the listening zone and the speaking zone – or, the zone the other occupies and the one that you do. When you listen, you move into the zone of non-judgement and when you speak you take your own side fully. Imagine you have two chairs or two hats. You shift between the two zones by changing your hat or shifting to another chair. A fun exercise for practice maybe?

Does all this apply to facilitators too?

No, a facilitator should be neutral and impartial all the time and does not express her position at any point. So, in a way it is easier for a facilitator to be in the zone of non-judgement continuously. We define neutrality as a combination of non-judgement and empathetic or compassionate presence.